Windows

People always say that eyes are windows to the soul. This was originally a poetic concept, but it's become cliche now. The idea of this, though, makes me wonder what is a window to somebody's soul. Do I even believe in a soul? Yeah, I think I do. Something like that anyway. Maybe the soul is really the unique roadmap of your brain--whatever makes you completely individual with thoughts that nobody may ever know but you. So how do you see into somebody's soul?

At times, I've spent ridiculous energy trying to figure out what's in a particular person's soul. I'm curious and I consider myself perceptive (usually), so it's like my personal game to try to figure out what people are thinking. If somebody is bitchy, I try to create a whole back story to explain how they became that way. If they're vulnerable like a soft-shelled crab, there's absolutely some reason why and I'm often trying to figure that out (since I often fall into this category myself). My middle name is subtext. Maybe that's why I was a shitty account manager. I was too suspicious and sensitive and at the same time defensive of myself and people I liked. I know, really objective of me.

Anyway, back to the windows to the soul. Some people do have amazingly expressive and telling eyes. Most people don't. But I think everyone has something that is a "tell." Music, writing, jokes, art, whatever. Sometimes it's not a creative outlet, it's just a question of adding up all the little phrases they throw in as asides. Often it's just a way they have, a certain carriage. I can usually tell when a person is attracted to me by his behavior more than anything. In most cases, I can sense when someone is conflicted or hurt or depressed, etc.

What is really hard to understand, though, is what people honestly think of me. I am extremely self-conscious when I can't read them and maybe I have pushed them away because the uncertainty is too difficult for me. I'd like to avoid misreading people and making poor choices as I've done in the past and which has sometimes cost me very valuable relationships. That's why I want to understand where is the right "window."

Anyone have Kreskin's phone number? Actually, I think there's a psychic with my name, maybe I can channel her for free.