Oh, the places we'll go

My ob/gyn visit was a family adventure, being that it was too early in the morning for any babysitting and my husband likes to sit in and listen to everything happening with our fetus. This time we got a nurse-in-training (NIT, kind of like the CIT's at camp when I was a kid). Because she was learning, I was an aside to a constant stream of conversation.

"Okay, so when the patient comes in you have to ask her all these questions on the form and write the comments over here."
"Okay."

"Biaaanka?"
"Me? Oh, yes?"
"Step on the scale."

"Then once you get that you gotta get everything ready for the bloods if they need it."

"You can go sit on table."

"So then you're gonna do the blood pressure and everything."
She wraps the cuff around my arm and begins pumping.
"Now we gotta ask all these questions here on the list."
She holds up her form and begins reading. "These questions are about your family history and the baby's father, okay?"

(On the side): "You want to sit on Daddy's lap?"
"No-oh."
"Look at the baby, see the picture of the baby?"
"That's a baby. She's eating foo-ood."

"Any history of ghonorrea?"
"No"
"Cyphilis?"
"No"
"AIDS?"
"No"
"Down's syndrome?"
"Nope"
"Mental illness?"
I pause for a minute picturing Thanksgiving dinner. "Uh, no."
"Tay Sach?"
She must mean Tay Sach's (sacks), the disease my Jewish family could actually have on this list. "No, not that I know of."

"Come back here, my girl, we have to wait for Mommy."
"Mommy?" she looks at me and begins to bounce up and down by bending from her knees. "Mom-MY!"

Second Nurse: "Lift up your shirt above your stomach and pull down your pants to the hairline."

"Do you drink, smoke, do any drugs?"
"Aah-ah."

Second nurse gets out the fetal heartbeat monitor.
"Mommy, mommy!!"
"You're gonna hear the baby now! Isn't that so nice?"
Silence.

"Are you sexually active?"
We all laugh. "Uh, I think so."

Second Nurse squirts cold jelly. She places the Doppler microphone on my lower abdomen. No sound. She moves it to the left. No sound. To the very left side.
Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, static, static, whoo, whoo, whoo to the tune of 160 beats per minute.

"It's the baby, my girl! You hear him?"
She looks confused. "What you doing, Mommy?"

"Do you plan on taking any classes with us?"
"This is my second pregnancy."

I look at my husband and daughter. It's only just beginning.